Learn to please the only person who really matters

 

Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval. 

Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don't like.

Nice Guys belive that they have to become what they thinks other people want them to be in order to be liked.

By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves.

SEEKING THE APPROVAL OF WOMEN

Nice Guys interpret a woman's approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman's approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. 

At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed, in a bad mood, or angry, Nice Guys interpret these things to mean that she is not accepting or approving of them

Consequences of seeking the approval of women

• Require that nice guys monitor the possibility of Womans sexual availability.  Since Nice Guys see sex as the ultimate form of acceptance, and they believe a woman must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire
  
• Seeking women's approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship.  .
  Nice Guys constantly report that their own moods are often tied to the moods of their partner. If she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel anxious until she is fixed. 
  
• Seeking women's approval gives women the power to define men and determine their worth.  If a woman says he is "wrong" or thinks he is a "jerk," a Nice Guy will be inclined to believe she is right.
  
• Seeking women's approval creates rage toward women. Though most Nice Guys claim to "love" women, the truth is, most of these men have tremendous rage toward women. 
  

The truth is that WOMEN DONT HAVE ANY POWER OVER MEN

COVER UP ARTIST

Many nice guys try to cover up when they mess up. Most of them have an attack of toxic shame and try their best to hide or deny what they have done. They belive that someone is going to be extremey angry at them and stop loving them. 

Everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win approval or avoid disapproval. Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and unlovable. They believe that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or abandoned. As a result, Nice Guys are consummate cover-up artists.

Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .
● If they forget something.
● If they are late.
● If they break something.
● If they don't understand something.
● If they do something wrong.
● If they are depressed.
● If they are in pain.
● If they generally mess up.

The Nice Guy's need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and
alive.
● That they are sexual.
● That they have bodily functions.
● That they are getting older.
● That they are losing their hair.
● That they have needs.
● That they are imperfect.

Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and mistakes. These include:

• Lying: Nice guys will tell lies, partial truths, and omit information if they belive it will prevent someone from focusing on them in a negative way.
• Drawing on their account:  Part of the Nice Guy's belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever notice the few things (if any) he does wrong
  
• Fixing: Nice guy try to fix situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset.
• DEER response:  Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize, these are fear based behaviour used to distract others from focusing on the Nice guys mistake and badness.  The Nice Guy is most
  likely to go into the DEER Response when he has done something or failed to do something, and
  someone (usually wife, partner, or boss) confronts him and expresses his or her feelings.
  
• Turning the tables:  If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his shame will be triggered. In an attempt to distract himself and the other person from his "badness" he may try to turn the tables and do something to trigger the other person's shame. I call this shame dumping.
  
• Walls:  Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close. Understandably, this affects their ability to be intimate, but it also protects them from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include: Addictions (food, sex, t.v., alcohol, work, etc.), humor, sarcasm, intellectualism, perfectionism, and isolation.

TEFLON MAN

Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in
others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy.

Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting. I often refer to Nice Guys as Teflon Men.

They work so hard to be smooth, nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also
makes it difficult for people to get close. It is actually a person's rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.

THE SOLUTION

SELF APPROVAL: Nice guys should be focus on getting the approval of the only person that matters: themselves. 

Examples:

• Identify how they seek approval:  As odd as it may sound, Nice Guys have to practice being themselves. One way to begin this process is to pay attention when trying to impress or get approval. Recovering Nice Guys can observe themselves spending extra time on their hair, holding the door open for someone, cleaning the kitchen, or walking with their child in the park — just to get noticed or praised.
• As they become aware of how much time and energy they spend trying to garner approval, they can begin living an inside-out kind of life. This means, rather than focusing outward for acceptance and approval, they turn inward. In doing so, they can begin asking themselves the important questions: "What do I want," "What feels right to me," "What would make me happy

• Take good care of themselves:  Taking good care of the self is essential for changing one's belief about the self. If a Nice Guy believes he isn't worth much, his actions toward himself will reflect this belief. When a recovering Nice Guy begins to consciously do good things for himself, these actions imply that he must be worth something.

Here is a list of simple things Nice Guys must start doing to begin understanding what taking good care of themselves mean: 

 

● Exercise, work out, go for a walk.

● Eat healthy food.

● Get enough sleep.

● Relax, play, goof off.

● Get a massage.

● Go out with buddies.

● Buy a new pair of shoes.

● Get shoes polished.

● Get dental work done.

● Get a physical.

● Listen to music.

 

As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused. These feelings are the result of what is called cognitive dissonance. 

 

When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is doing something that implies he is valuable. This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance — a clashing of two competing messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win

• Give themselves positive affirmations:  Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy's core belief about himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy's worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the affects of affirmations are usually short-lived. This is because these messages are contrary to the oldest, deepest beliefs the Nice Guy holds about himself. Affirmations are only effective when used along with other processes that help change the Nice Guy's core beliefs.
  

When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.

The following are some possible affirmations:

• "I am lovable just as I am."
• "I am perfectly imperfect."
• "My needs are important."
• "I am a strong and powerful person."
• "I can handle it."
• "People love and accept me just as I am."
• "It is OK to be human and make mistakes."
• "I am the only person I have to please."

• Spend extended periods of time alone
• Reveal themselves to safe people

🔥 Daily Life Examples of Each "Wall" & How They Play Out 🔥

1. Addictions (Food, Sex, TV, Alcohol, Work, etc.)

🚫 How It Acts as a Wall:

• Using distractions to avoid dealing with emotions.
• Overeating when stressed instead of facing problems.
• Watching TV or scrolling on the phone instead of socializing.
• Binge-drinking to "loosen up" instead of learning real confidence.
• Becoming a workaholic to avoid emotional connection.

✅ Healthy Alternative (Bad Boy Move):

• Face discomfort instead of numbing it.
• If stressed, hit the gym instead of eating junk.
• If lonely, go out instead of watching TV all night.
• If anxious, journal or talk to someone instead of drinking.

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2. Humor as a Defense Mechanism

🚫 How It Acts as a Wall:

• Making jokes when a serious topic comes up.
• Laughing things off instead of addressing problems.
• Using humor to avoid rejection ("Haha, I was just joking" after expressing a real opinion).

✅ Healthy Alternative (Bad Boy Move):

• Use humor to add to the conversation, not escape from it.
• Learn to sit with serious topics instead of deflecting.
• Own your opinions instead of hiding behind "just joking."

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3. Sarcasm & Cynicism

🚫 How It Acts as a Wall:

• Always being sarcastic so no one knows when you're being real.
• Acting like nothing matters ("Pfft, relationships are a joke anyway").
• Making fun of emotions or deep conversations.

✅ Healthy Alternative (Bad Boy Move):

• Say what you actually mean—no need for excessive sarcasm.
• If you don’t care about something, walk away instead of mocking it.
• Accept that deep conversations are part of life—don’t dodge them.

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4. Intellectualism (Overthinking Everything)

🚫 How It Acts as a Wall:

• Trying to analyze emotions instead of feeling them.
• Reading tons of self-help books but never taking action.
• Debating relationships like a theory instead of actually living them.

✅ Healthy Alternative (Bad Boy Move):

• Stop overanalyzing and start doing.
• If a girl flakes, don’t write an essay on it—move on to the next.
• Trust your gut feelings instead of trying to "solve" emotions logically.

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5. Perfectionism

🚫 How It Acts as a Wall:

• Never taking action because it’s "not the perfect time."
• Not talking to a girl because "I need to improve myself first."
• Avoiding socializing because "I’m not in the best shape yet."

✅ Healthy Alternative (Bad Boy Move):

• Take imperfect action. Just start.
• If you like a girl, talk to her—you don’t need to be perfect.
• Accept failure as part of life instead of avoiding it.

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6. Isolation

🚫 How It Acts as a Wall:

• Avoiding social situations to "focus on yourself."
• Saying "I don’t need people" but secretly feeling lonely.
• Always waiting for others to invite you instead of making plans.

✅ Healthy Alternative (Bad Boy Move):

• Put yourself in social situations regularly.
• If you feel lonely, reach out instead of waiting.
• Build a solid tribe of people who push you forward.

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🚨 How to Break These Walls & Become More Confident 🚨

1. Be aware of when you're using a wall to avoid emotions.
2. Stop escaping—sit with discomfort instead of numbing it.
3. Take action even if it's not perfect.
4. Own your emotions instead of deflecting them.
5. Put yourself first and express what you truly want.