MAKE YOUR NEEDS A PRIORITY
Nice Guys generally focus their attention on meeting everyone else's needs while trying to be "low maintenance" kinds of guys themselves
He think that it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him.Typically Nice Guys respond to these inaccurate interpretations of their life events by developing a number of survival mechanisms.
● Trying to appear needless and wantless.
As a result of these childhood survival mechanisms, Nice Guys often believe it is a virtue to have few
needs or wants. Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually
extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are
frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling
● Making it difficult for others to give to them.
In addition to using ineffective strategies to get their needs met, Nice Guys are terrible receivers. Since
getting their needs met contradicts their childhood paradigms, Nice Guys are extremely uncomfortable
when they actually do get what they want
● Using "covert contracts."
Giving "I love yous" to get "I love you toos" in return is the basic way Nice Guys go about trying to get all of their needs met. There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to tell you she loves you, but telling her "I love you" first to get an "I love you too" in return is indirect, unclear, and manipulative.
As a result of the conditioning they received in their family and society, Nice Guys believe if they are
"good," then they should be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.
● Caretaking — focusing attention on other people's needs.
One of the most common ways Nice Guys use covert contracts to try to meet their needs is through caretaking. Nice Guys believe their caretaking is fundamentally loving and is one of the things that
makes them good people. In reality, caretaking has nothing to do with being loving or good. Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one's needs met.
Caretaking always consists of two parts:
1) Focusing on another's problems, needs, or feelings in order to
2) Feel valuable, get one's own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one's own problems or feelings.
There are many differences between caretaking and caring, caring comes from a place of abundance, without any strings attached and gives what the receiver needs. On the other hand, caretaking comes from a place of neediness, giving to others what the giver wants with string attached.
Nice Guys caretake for a number of reasons, none of them having anything to do with love. For them,
even the most innocuous and subtle act often has some string attached. Nice Guys give in the ways they would like others to give to them. They give gifts, affection, back rubs, sex, surprises. They will
encourage their partner to take a day off, buy a new outfit, go to the doctor, take a trip, quit a job, go
back to school — yet would not give themselves permission to do any of the same things.
The Victim Triangle
Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.
It is healthy to have needs and that mature people make getting their needs met a priority.
"No one was put on this planet to meet your needs" (except their parents — and their job is done). I also remind them they weren't put on this planet to meet anyone else's needs (except those of their children).
Benefits of putting ones self first
- They increase the likelihood of getting what they need or want
- They can give judiciously --- giving what people really need
- They can give without resentment and expectation
- They become less needy
- They become more attractive
may cooperate with the Nice Guy, but they are not in charge of meeting his needs. By making their
needs a priority and putting themselves first, recovering Nice Guys can come to see the world as a place
of abundance. They can truly come to believe that their needs are important and there are people out
there who are happy and willing to help them meet them.
Here is a table where you can find examples of putting oneself first.
| Situation | Put Yourself First (Bad Boy Move) | Nice Guy Move (What to Avoid) |
|---|---|---|
| Gym | Stick to your workout, focus on progress, don’t get distracted by others. | Let people interrupt your sets, adjust your workout to impress someone. |
| Work/Business | Set boundaries, say no to extra work unless it benefits you. | Always saying yes, staying late for no reason, taking on extra tasks to please others. |
| Texting/Calling | Reply when you have time, don’t overinvest, no double texting. | Respond instantly, double text, adjust your schedule for them. |
| Making Plans with a Girl | Choose time & place that works for you, don’t chase if she’s unavailable. | Always adjusting your schedule for her, waiting around. |
| Friends Asking for Favors | Help only if it doesn’t interfere with your goals. | Always saying yes, neglecting your time & priorities. |
| Eating Out/Choosing Activities | Pick places & activities you enjoy. | Always letting others decide, doing things just to fit in. |
| Handling Disrespect | Call it out immediately, set boundaries. | Laugh it off, stay silent, let people walk over you. |
| Using Free Time | Use it for your goals—gym, learning, business. | Wasting it on people who wouldn’t do the same for you. |
| Setting Goals | Focus on what you want, be selfish with your time. | Chasing goals based on others’ expectations, sacrificing dreams. |
| Relationships | Keep working out, focusing on career, keeping independence. | Ditching gym, hobbies, and friends just to please her. |
| Meeting New People | Speak confidently, let them earn your attention. | Try too hard to be liked, seek approval. |
| Parties/Social Events | Have fun on your terms, talk to who interests you. | Seek validation, try to impress everyone. |
| Talking to Women | Be playful, flirt, but stay indifferent to rejection. | Over-explaining yourself, trying too hard to impress. |
| Handling Rejection | Shrug it off, move on to the next. | Get upset, chase, or beg for a second chance. |
| Handling Success | Stay humble but confident—keep pushing forward. | Brag, seek validation, or get lazy. |
| Dealing with Haters | Ignore or laugh at them—focus on yourself. | Try to argue or prove yourself to them. |
| Making Decisions | Choose based on logic, self-interest, and long-term benefits. | Choose to please others, out of fear, or to avoid conflict. |
| Confidence in Conversations | Speak with certainty, maintain eye contact, don’t seek approval. | Mumble, over-explain, or look for permission to speak. |
| Handling Breakups | Move on fast, improve yourself, and focus on new goals. | Beg for another chance, stalk her on social media, dwell on the past. |
| Flirting at the Gym | Keep it casual, short, and only when it’s natural. | Follow her around, interrupt her workouts, try too hard. |
| Social Media | Post for yourself, not for validation, keep mystery. | Post for attention, seek likes, overexpose your life. |
| Standing in a Room | Hold your space, stand firm, own your presence. | Look around nervously, fidget, shrink yourself. |
| Dressing & Style | Dress well, groom yourself, wear clothes that fit. | Dress sloppy, neglect grooming, dress just to blend in. |
| Taking Risks | Go for what you want, accept failure as part of growth. | Play it safe to avoid rejection or failure. |
| Handling Arguments | Stay calm, don’t let emotions control your actions. | Get overly emotional, argue to prove a point. |
| How You Walk | Walk with purpose, shoulders back, chin up. | Look down, walk hesitantly, avoid eye contact. |
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